Spinning my wheels
In the last month or so, I haven't felt like my spiritual journey is getting anywhere. Or -- it's getting ME anywhere. I've fulfilled some desire for myself in writing, and in some form of therapy, and I've met some members of the blogging community that I hope to continue discussions with--but I feel like I personally am no closer to anything than when I began.
Although perhaps my disappointment is with the fact that I remain unconvinced in the Christian God. My beliefs in recent years have drifted closer to Taoism than anything else. Part of me wants to resist Taoism and embrace Christianity, there is really nothing that pulls me closer to the Christian God. Couple that with the enormous hypocrisy of those who call themselves Christian every day--whether it's a national Christian leader or a neighbor or co-worker who says one thing and does another--and I find myself more disillusioned with the Christian community in general, and less and less willing to want to identify myself as Christian.
The Christians who I've met who I think aren't hypocrites have often had bad experiences with the church themselves. Many of them have turned in on themselves and made their religion extremely personal. I guess I've been doing that myself the last few years.
That makes me sad, but it makes me more angry when I attempt to commune with my local Christian communities and feel their hatred towards gays and non-Christians and their willingness to overlook blatent and horrible things their fellow Christians do. It even extends to an unwillingness they have to have a conversation that challenges any of their pre-conceived ideas. (Just try having a conversation on the notion of slavery in the NT with a churchgoer. A local pastor told me the book of Philemon shouldn't really be in NT.)
I find myself smiling and nodding in conversations with them and then wanting to get the hell away from them and go take a shower. Ick.
We all create our own truths, I guess.
Although perhaps my disappointment is with the fact that I remain unconvinced in the Christian God. My beliefs in recent years have drifted closer to Taoism than anything else. Part of me wants to resist Taoism and embrace Christianity, there is really nothing that pulls me closer to the Christian God. Couple that with the enormous hypocrisy of those who call themselves Christian every day--whether it's a national Christian leader or a neighbor or co-worker who says one thing and does another--and I find myself more disillusioned with the Christian community in general, and less and less willing to want to identify myself as Christian.
The Christians who I've met who I think aren't hypocrites have often had bad experiences with the church themselves. Many of them have turned in on themselves and made their religion extremely personal. I guess I've been doing that myself the last few years.
That makes me sad, but it makes me more angry when I attempt to commune with my local Christian communities and feel their hatred towards gays and non-Christians and their willingness to overlook blatent and horrible things their fellow Christians do. It even extends to an unwillingness they have to have a conversation that challenges any of their pre-conceived ideas. (Just try having a conversation on the notion of slavery in the NT with a churchgoer. A local pastor told me the book of Philemon shouldn't really be in NT.)
I find myself smiling and nodding in conversations with them and then wanting to get the hell away from them and go take a shower. Ick.
We all create our own truths, I guess.
posted by SuperSkeptic at 12:12 PM
8 Comments:
I hear some pain, some confusion, and some frustration in here. What I don't here is exactly what you're looking for. That could be because, like most of it, you can't quite put your finger on it, but you figure you'll know when you find it.
I wish that I could say something that would help you, but all I've got is this fortune cookie crap:
Be patient. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.
I often run my metaphorical spiritual race as though I'm in a 100 M dash, racing frantically to discover absolute truth, existential meaning, and all of that ineffable goodness and cosmic mystery in a single moment, this moment. All that does for me is leave me exhausted, and sows the seeds of discontent in my own life.
I can say that my spiritual life was saved by a community that I would have never guessed existed. When I left ministry I almost left religion altogether, or at least Christianity. I had long flirted with Buddhism, and had used some Buddhist ideas to inform my own Christian teachings. Looking at the ashes of my aborted pastoral career (I know, I just mixed metaphors, and I hate it when other writers do that!) I had to reconstruct some sort of system within which to explore my own spirituality, and it very nearly wasn't a Christian system.
But I'd heard about this old church in downtown Louisville, not far from my house, and down the street from my wife and my first apartment. Their lay leader had mentored me in my candidacy for ordination. Their former pastor had been one of my seminary professors. And their current pastor was a well known liberal, and a woman to boot. They were struggling, and really needed some young blood. And they had a reputation for being open, welcoming and affirming of all people, regardless of the circumstances in their lives, and especially regardless of their sexual orientation.
I decided to visit the church, met with the pastor (who was told in advance by a mutual friend to expect me) and was taken in immediately. Their indiscriminant love for all people warmed my soul and restore my faith in this flawed, all too human religion.
I've found a spiritual home, and it was within the religion which helped form the thought language which shaped all of my perceptions of God. That said, I don't think that your home needs to be a Christian home as much as it needs to be a place where you can experience the God that lies byond and behind all theoretcal descriptions of God, in a community that helps you become most fully yourself.
To find such a home, in my very limited experience, you need to keep your eyes open and be patient, understanding that life is a very long journey, and not a sprint.
Oh, yeah, and there are still days when I want to say:
Damn it all, I'm becoming a Buddhist!
Hello Superskeptic!
I am the Conversation Editor for New Wineskins ezine . New Wineskins (http://www.wineskins.org) is a Christian ezine edited by a group of believers that I think you would find much different then the traditional Christian groups you may have encountered.
I'd love to have a short friendly conversation with you. When I say conversation I'm talking about sending 5-6 questions via email. You would answer my questions and then email them back to me. We would then publish as a conversation.
Christian's have a 'long way' to go in attitude, ways, and methods of presentation. And the editors of New Wineskins believe Christians can learn a great deal from people like yourself. If you agree, my questions would revolve around your experiences (good or bad) with Christianity, Christian's ways of doing things, how you see us, and how we could improve our public image, as well as overcome the traditional stigma associated with American-style Christianity.
For the sake of our biased purpose for publishing this conversation in our Mag-ezine I would only askthat you put aside your fundamental worldview differences with us (instead of seeing us as believers in the paranormal or mysterious, to view us as a fraternity or club looking to you to help us with a tainted image) not people who believe in a God. The one other time I attempted this what I ended up with was material I could not publish because the person responded in such a divisive and derogatory manner. The last thing I want is a polemic styled conversation. I'm looking more for someone who can state their views, experiences and thoughts in an intelligent, kind, and enduring manner.
New Wineskins is a quality Mag-ezine with a small readership attempting to increase its base by relying upon provocative conversations with people like yourself.
Forgot to give you my email.
nucmanchh@adelphia.net
Look forward to hearing from you...
Fred
take a shower.... I hear ya.
I can relate to the sentiment of wanting to be convinced of christianity.... I would love it if all my searching brought me back to my childhood understanding of God, but lately I'm just trying to think of religions as languages and translate everything over into the language I understand. this makes it much easier to dialogue with christians without betraying my true inclinations. I'm still saying what I think, but in a way that they can understand.
Associating with christians has become an act of delicate diplomacy. I really don't want to burn those bridges, as on some level I think I still am one, but my method of relating has definitely changed.
Merry Christmas
Maybe you shouldnt get so hung up on finding things you dont like in the Bible and start forming a personal relationship with God. No Christian understands everything in the Bible or about Christianity, but it isnt for us to grasp the whole thing here on this earth. The point is this: Jesus Christ came to this earth to save you (and me) from our sins. He died and rose again on the third day. He is coming back to rule and reign and His followers will rule with Him. It is a faith issue not a sight (or insight) issue. Its okay to dislike some of the churches that you visit or the attitude of some of the church members - they are not God - they may not even act like God. We have to repent of our sins, turn from them and live for Jesus in the short time we have left. It is so important not to get caught up in religion - religion is nothing - relationship with Jesus is everything. Look to Him only and let the rest of your doubts go. Check this out www.rapturealert.com. Jesus is coming soon.
Hey
I just stumbled across your site through blogspot and I have been holding the same questions. I have aswell gone through issues in my faith and I stand on the border peering into athiesm.
I have been blogging for almost a year and have been recording my walk out of the church and some the issues you raise sit in my mind. I am still seaching and I have not turned my back just yet , or maybe I have according to God?
Anyway, good posts. Check out my journey aswell if you get the chance, you will see some of my questions and few answers.
Keep it up
Doesn't every faith have hypocrits? Are there Taoist hypocrits? Judging whether the Christian God is real or not is really not best based on the presence of absence of hypocrits - that is a slippery slope.
I do wish more Christians would be honest with their shortcomings and be more evenhanded in dealing with all sins. I understand your frustration. It must be hard to look at a group of people and wonder, "if I belived what they believe, how would I be any different?"
If I can do anything for you feel free to let me know.
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