Creating your own reality
One of the things I've realized is that we all make our own realities.
If you're married, you know that every marriage has its challenges. I'm realizing that every time there is something that my wife does that pisses me off, I can ask myself a helpful question, or an unhelpful question.
Unhelpful:
"Why is she trying to piss me off?"
Helpful:
"I know my wife loves me, and she's not trying to piss me off. So what was she trying to accomplish?"
This was very helpful a couple of days ago. We took the kids to a local pumpkin patch where they have all kinds of animals and games and mazes and hayrides--but it was late. I didn't want to go because I thought was too late, and I had to leave on a business trip the next day and wanted to pack. My wife insisted, though, saying we could have dinner there to save time, so we went.
We got there, and it was too late. The barbecue shack that has pretty good food had just closed, and the crappy snack bar was the only thing that was open. We had awful food, my two-year old didn't eat anything, and the sun had set, so we couldn't go on a hayride, or go through and see the farm animals, or have the kids play on any of the rides. Now we were getting the kids to bed late, and I was getting pissed off.
Unhelpful:
"Why doesn't she ever listen to me? She knew it was too late, we had a crappy time, and now we've wasted the whole night."
That was my first thought, but then I thought it through a little, and decided to instead ask myself:
Helpful:
"I know she loves me, so what was she trying to accomplish?"
That was easy to answer. She wanted to spend time as a family together before I left. We go to this pumpkin patch every year, and we've always had fun before, and she wanted to keep our tradition going since Halloween is a week away.
And you know what I realized? We didn't have a crappy time. The kids had a great time. They played on a pumpkin truck, they ran around a little wooden school bus, and they jumped on a big pile of hay for 15 minutes while we were waiting for our crappy food. It didn't matter to them that we didn't get Tri-tip sandwiches at the BBQ shack, or that we didn't get to pick out pumpkins, or that we only spent an hour there.
I was no longer pissed off. I was a little disappointed that we had gotten there so late, but there was nothing at all to be angry about. In fact, I think it may have strengthened our relationship, since I realized that she put a lot of effort into getting us to the pumpkin patch that night.
If I had continued with my Unhelpful Question, I could have found all kinds of evidence to back it up as well. That one time last week when blah blah blah. It's not the evidence that supports the proposition; it's the proposition that supports the evidence.
And then I realized that this is how Bad Things Can Happen and people don't lose their faith. "I know Jesus loves me, so what was He trying to accomplish when my six-year old child died?" We all create our own reality.
Whether or not you are a Christian, it's important to realize that people of all faiths do this. And when they can answer that question, it can even strengthen their faith. "God killed my child so that I could understand the pain He went through when Jesus was on the cross." (For example.) I also suppose this is how people can stay with spouses who abuse them. "My husband hit me because he wants to protect me."
And I suppose that whether or not your religion is the Truth, this can be very Helpful. Are we interested in the Truth, or are we interested in a Helpful life? I am interested in having a healthy marriage with good communication. So I am going to continue asking my Helpful Questions instead of getting angry in my relationship. I suppose there's an argument to be made about the validity of the proposition ("How do you know she loves you and she's not trying to piss you off?"). Well, I don't have all the answers--I don't know why it's important for me to do this with my wife and not with God. (In fact, if I did this with God I'd think I was a bit delusional.)
This kind of thinking, however, is leading me to realize that "evidence" might not be that valid in spiritual matters. Evidence is everywhere if we choose to interpret it in different ways. We all want certainty in spiritual matters, and usually what we've chosen (at that moment, anyway) is what we've convinced ourselves that the evidence supports.
It's our own reality.
If you're married, you know that every marriage has its challenges. I'm realizing that every time there is something that my wife does that pisses me off, I can ask myself a helpful question, or an unhelpful question.
Unhelpful:
"Why is she trying to piss me off?"
Helpful:
"I know my wife loves me, and she's not trying to piss me off. So what was she trying to accomplish?"
This was very helpful a couple of days ago. We took the kids to a local pumpkin patch where they have all kinds of animals and games and mazes and hayrides--but it was late. I didn't want to go because I thought was too late, and I had to leave on a business trip the next day and wanted to pack. My wife insisted, though, saying we could have dinner there to save time, so we went.
We got there, and it was too late. The barbecue shack that has pretty good food had just closed, and the crappy snack bar was the only thing that was open. We had awful food, my two-year old didn't eat anything, and the sun had set, so we couldn't go on a hayride, or go through and see the farm animals, or have the kids play on any of the rides. Now we were getting the kids to bed late, and I was getting pissed off.
Unhelpful:
"Why doesn't she ever listen to me? She knew it was too late, we had a crappy time, and now we've wasted the whole night."
That was my first thought, but then I thought it through a little, and decided to instead ask myself:
Helpful:
"I know she loves me, so what was she trying to accomplish?"
That was easy to answer. She wanted to spend time as a family together before I left. We go to this pumpkin patch every year, and we've always had fun before, and she wanted to keep our tradition going since Halloween is a week away.
And you know what I realized? We didn't have a crappy time. The kids had a great time. They played on a pumpkin truck, they ran around a little wooden school bus, and they jumped on a big pile of hay for 15 minutes while we were waiting for our crappy food. It didn't matter to them that we didn't get Tri-tip sandwiches at the BBQ shack, or that we didn't get to pick out pumpkins, or that we only spent an hour there.
I was no longer pissed off. I was a little disappointed that we had gotten there so late, but there was nothing at all to be angry about. In fact, I think it may have strengthened our relationship, since I realized that she put a lot of effort into getting us to the pumpkin patch that night.
If I had continued with my Unhelpful Question, I could have found all kinds of evidence to back it up as well. That one time last week when blah blah blah. It's not the evidence that supports the proposition; it's the proposition that supports the evidence.
And then I realized that this is how Bad Things Can Happen and people don't lose their faith. "I know Jesus loves me, so what was He trying to accomplish when my six-year old child died?" We all create our own reality.
Whether or not you are a Christian, it's important to realize that people of all faiths do this. And when they can answer that question, it can even strengthen their faith. "God killed my child so that I could understand the pain He went through when Jesus was on the cross." (For example.) I also suppose this is how people can stay with spouses who abuse them. "My husband hit me because he wants to protect me."
And I suppose that whether or not your religion is the Truth, this can be very Helpful. Are we interested in the Truth, or are we interested in a Helpful life? I am interested in having a healthy marriage with good communication. So I am going to continue asking my Helpful Questions instead of getting angry in my relationship. I suppose there's an argument to be made about the validity of the proposition ("How do you know she loves you and she's not trying to piss you off?"). Well, I don't have all the answers--I don't know why it's important for me to do this with my wife and not with God. (In fact, if I did this with God I'd think I was a bit delusional.)
This kind of thinking, however, is leading me to realize that "evidence" might not be that valid in spiritual matters. Evidence is everywhere if we choose to interpret it in different ways. We all want certainty in spiritual matters, and usually what we've chosen (at that moment, anyway) is what we've convinced ourselves that the evidence supports.
It's our own reality.
posted by SuperSkeptic at 9:56 AM
3 Comments:
Very thoughtful and insightful...
Although, is necessarily creating a false reality better? I mean, it certainly makes life easier at times, just denying what is actually going on in favor of what we'd like to see going on. Not that your wife doesn't love you, of course! :D
What makes some people's realities dangerous (like a schizophrenics) but not a fundamentalist Christians? I think, even though we bring our own impositions onto reality to create what we'd like to see, the further removed your version is from what is actually going on, the more dangerous you become to society in general. So while a little naivete or willful ignorance may not be a bad thing in small, carefully and well-meaning doses, a little can add up to a lot really fast...
Great post!
Man that is a really well thought out and great perspective to have (I also think it rings of truth - being we are all that much different). I like the fact you developed better communication with your wife and noticed this was a simple change in perspective (now I just have to follow that line fo thinking and I will have less arguments). I really enjoyed that bit about re-thinking what to say...I am so there. Yes, we are all individual.
The personal nature of your post is very moving. Surely human perspective can shift drastically.
As a fairly skeptical Christian myself, I have to admit there are no easy answers to the problem of suffering (and any thoughtful Christian must say the same; perhaps there are no answers at all). However, maybe God doesn't kill my six year old daughter to show me what Jesus suffered on the cross; maybe, (not that this helps completely as I consider the problem from a distance, or perhaps at all in the wake of a genuine grief) maybe Jesus suffered on the cross so that he could understand what I feel when my six year old daughter dies. The biology of the world seems quite random. Evolutionists tell me it needs to be this way. Fair enough. How does a Creator God fit into the reality of human physical and emotional and spiritual suffering, the results of such biology? I don't know. I am not even going to try to offer simple solutions because I don't have any myself. I do remind myself, though, that the gospels show Jesus healing all the time...relieving physical and mental suffering again and again. This says something to me about God's vision for our future.
Why didn't Jesus stick around and keep on doing that? I can't say. Couldn't God have made the universe without suffering? I don't know why not. But from my current point of perspective, I have to reconcile two things: the reality of suffering and the reality of the gospel Jesus.
BTW, I love your subtitle.
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