Spinning my wheels
In the last month or so, I haven't felt like my spiritual journey is getting anywhere. Or -- it's getting ME anywhere. I've fulfilled some desire for myself in writing, and in some form of therapy, and I've met some members of the blogging community that I hope to continue discussions with--but I feel like I personally am no closer to anything than when I began.
Although perhaps my disappointment is with the fact that I remain unconvinced in the Christian God. My beliefs in recent years have drifted closer to Taoism than anything else. Part of me wants to resist Taoism and embrace Christianity, there is really nothing that pulls me closer to the Christian God. Couple that with the enormous hypocrisy of those who call themselves Christian every day--whether it's a national Christian leader or a neighbor or co-worker who says one thing and does another--and I find myself more disillusioned with the Christian community in general, and less and less willing to want to identify myself as Christian.
The Christians who I've met who I think aren't hypocrites have often had bad experiences with the church themselves. Many of them have turned in on themselves and made their religion extremely personal. I guess I've been doing that myself the last few years.
That makes me sad, but it makes me more angry when I attempt to commune with my local Christian communities and feel their hatred towards gays and non-Christians and their willingness to overlook blatent and horrible things their fellow Christians do. It even extends to an unwillingness they have to have a conversation that challenges any of their pre-conceived ideas. (Just try having a conversation on the notion of slavery in the NT with a churchgoer. A local pastor told me the book of Philemon shouldn't really be in NT.)
I find myself smiling and nodding in conversations with them and then wanting to get the hell away from them and go take a shower. Ick.
We all create our own truths, I guess.
Although perhaps my disappointment is with the fact that I remain unconvinced in the Christian God. My beliefs in recent years have drifted closer to Taoism than anything else. Part of me wants to resist Taoism and embrace Christianity, there is really nothing that pulls me closer to the Christian God. Couple that with the enormous hypocrisy of those who call themselves Christian every day--whether it's a national Christian leader or a neighbor or co-worker who says one thing and does another--and I find myself more disillusioned with the Christian community in general, and less and less willing to want to identify myself as Christian.
The Christians who I've met who I think aren't hypocrites have often had bad experiences with the church themselves. Many of them have turned in on themselves and made their religion extremely personal. I guess I've been doing that myself the last few years.
That makes me sad, but it makes me more angry when I attempt to commune with my local Christian communities and feel their hatred towards gays and non-Christians and their willingness to overlook blatent and horrible things their fellow Christians do. It even extends to an unwillingness they have to have a conversation that challenges any of their pre-conceived ideas. (Just try having a conversation on the notion of slavery in the NT with a churchgoer. A local pastor told me the book of Philemon shouldn't really be in NT.)
I find myself smiling and nodding in conversations with them and then wanting to get the hell away from them and go take a shower. Ick.
We all create our own truths, I guess.
posted by SuperSkeptic at 12:12 PM
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